Francisco de Goya, Saturno devorando a su hijo (1819–1823)

What Irrational Belief Do I Want To Dispute and Surrender?

Answer: That I was/am lonely and isolated now and as a child because I am defective in some way.

Why is this Belief inaccurate?

Answer: It is irrational to say I have a ‘terminal defect’. There is no such thing

Does any evidence exist for the truth of my Belief?

Answer: Absolutely none. It’s not my fault to have had a parent/lovers/friends that isolated me and I was lonely and anxious as a result, consequently seeking out that parent in relationships seeking approval and then the narcissist dump inevitably happened, being vulnerable to their lies.

What is the worst that could happen if I don’t get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn’t have)?

Answer: I will/have missed out on companionship/parenting/love/friendship.
I will have to/have had to attend social events alone

What good things could I make happen if I don’t get what I think I must have (or do get what I think I mustn’t have)?

Answer: I developed a love of reading and writing, art-making. I got over a terror and depression around being alone. I practice unconditional self-acceptance and accept myself without a parent/lover/friend.
I taught myself to be happy without a parent lover friend, a work in progress.
I sought out others who would teach me and parent me by going to art school and learning to accept critique.
I learned to parent/critique myself and my work, by leaving myself the hell alone and focusing on the artwork.
I work on being invulnerable to narcissists by asking for what I want and seeing the devaluing happen or not. For example:

”Just a note to say that you have been deleted from my contacts due to a lack of response and apparent interest, no answer is an answer, and I’m not a stalker. I find this disappointing as I was looking forward to being friends, as discussed.”

By seeing the parent lover friend never existed, just the act they showed the world, the real person behind the act was/is actually quite awful and disease-causing by keeping toxic stress in place: “Again, don’t underestimate how toxic these people and relationships with them are. Stress can kill. It raises cortisol levels, weakens the immune system, raises blood pressure and keeps the body in a sustained state of sympathetic nervous system arousal. Being in a near-constant state of fight, flight or freeze response is incredibly damaging to the body and the brain. Cancer, heart attacks, strokes, digestive disorders, depression and anxiety are all very likely possibilities. — Dr. Tara Palmatier

My father, being vulnerable as well, his mother was a narcissist, was subject to a 5-year love bombing by mail by a narcissist he met on the way to war from the isolated homestead, lonely, scared and vulnerable. He married her on the way home and by age 40 he was stone cold dead of lung cancer, leaving 4 kids behind. His narcissist wife said, not, “how will I take care of these kids”, (or my Dad when he was sick), but rather, “who will take care of me”. I was the oldest to leave home to get away from her toxicity, I was 14 when I was devalued for asking for what I wanted, and thrown into the street.

Mom and Dad

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Jerald W. Blackstock

meditation, reportage, blog, humour piece, eulogy, autobiographical slice, diatribe, list, collage, mosaic, lecture, or letter