Making Self Valuing Changes

The deeply ingrained notion that I am undervalued because I am defective is damn hard to shake. It’s been a slow process.

What is the situation that you are upset about?
Answer: I’ve been making changes in my life. New hairdresser (valued me) new eyeglasses care person (valued me), got my eyes checked and ordered new lenses (valued myself), changed my finance company (valued myself) and reorganized my finance to better pay bills with money left over (valued myself).

Around me in my building they are reorganizing the staff (devaluing them). This is unsettling.

Barbara a neighbor acquaintance cut me off in group conversation isolating me from friends present I wished to speak to, then put me down for being slow keeping her waiting, (undervaluing me) then dumped me when I spoke up.

Carla at the glasses store undervalued me as well rushing me off the phone with ‘I’m busy’ when I was ordering $1000.00 worth of goods and service.

I requested and got repairs on my home (valuing myself). I took myself for a drive to the country (valuing myself). I found a new healthier cheaper by 25% Chinese food supplier (valuing myself).

I purchased a new camera that works physically better for me (valuing myself and my art) and dumped the old system (valuing myself).

I was thinking about my resentments towards an ex, Edi, and her friends because they undervalued me and dumped me the same with Sheri-D and Debra Ward after their overvaluing and promising a promising friendship.

I went back and read my books and re-published them (valuing me).

What are the unhealthy negative emotions that you are experiencing?
Answer: anxiety and depression shame embarrassment hurt feeling like I’ve been sucked in at the carnival by the snake oil salesmen.

What self-defeating behaviors would you like to change?
Answer: Not sleeping well. Withdrawal and avoiding social contact, unassertiveness, procrastination. Exercise avoidance.

What demand are you making about the situation?
Answer: Other people must do “the right thing” by not undervaluing me or else they are no good and deserve to be punished.
Dispute: is there any reason why they must not criticize me?
Rational Belief: There is no reason. Their behavior describes only them, not me. When they do that (criticize me) for being assertive of my rights it just tells me I’m in the wrong relationship, so it’s good information.

What are your new healthy negative emotions?
Answer: annoyance and disappointment also sadness

What are your new self-helping behaviors?
Answer: talking to strangers, asking for what I want. Seeking better relationships, or choosing to tolerate not great ones because it’s in my best interests for now. Finally realizing that my romantic love of Edi was blinding me to the damaging undervaluing that was slowly getting worse as I got healthier and began asserting my rights, which always causes tension in relationship, but either deepens it or it ends.

So this opened a door, an understanding about when I was undervalued by Edi and my studio was boxed and piled into the back yard by Edi’s ‘friend’ a welder she found on Plenty of Fish. “Take it or its going to the dump”, thirty years of artwork and tools, from computers to brushes and easels to an entire picture framing studio. No notice, no place to store it, so I was forced to dump it. Reminds of Nikon which let me down by falling apart when the camera fell, and too expensive to repair to force me to buy new.

So I junked the entire camera system and bought the good enough Sony I could afford at the time. Learning to use it has reinspired my love of photo that offers me modern tools instead of Nikon workarounds.

The deeply ingrained notion that I am undervalued because I am defective is damn hard to shake. It’s been a slow process.

It came from my mother and siblings of course as the youngest I was hated by everyone. Undervalued and dumped, maltreated and neglected for being full of the anxiety and depression that were the consequences of the learned self hate, the programming consequences similar to the religions and Eastern cults where I tried to meet nice people and who turned out to be conservative folks. Folks that institutionally hated everyone as it turned out.

Focus on the love you are giving, rather than the love you are getting is the only advice I have for me to me aka valuing myself.