It’s a New Day
It’s like when you wake up and your cold is gone. The nerves are over-sensitive to every stimulation, not pain, just relief from being tense waiting for the next assault.
That’s what it’s like to realize you are not in a state of over-fear of the future any more and you are no longer lonely.
There is a bitter-sweet familiarity of dysfunctional family to now access those formerly blocked memories of covert abuse, where your caregiver didn’t care and put themselves first, or overt abuse where the gaslighting sibling said it's no big deal to not get your needs met, emphasised with a punch or a kick.
I sit here typing, waking up in my un-disassociated body feeling the associated pain of a healing a now formerly broken hip and adult life, looking around this hospital saying Jesus Christ where am I, how the fuck did I get here and at the same time, knowing perfectly well, every step of the way. I feel like Good Will Hunting leaving on the plane to meet life.
I am watching the sunrise, the colours of the smoky dawn, feeling valid, looking forward to the accomplishment of going home to my tools that I find so satisfying and the comfort of my new bed.
For many years now, 20 or so, I have used a 100 dollar futon and frame that I bought when my supposed wife decided she couldn’t manipulate me any more and ejected me from our bed. It was a symbol of transition that I never got around to upgrading until my hip was broken by an insane homeless man hopelessly in need of his meds and care. I have gone home on day passes from this hospital just to have naps on my new mattress, the sealy posturepedic, the symbol of a new position, the old familiar lumps long gone.
I bought a new professional computer screen,the asus artpro to replace the two screens I had used previously for years. The colours are now elegant and refined, the electrical connections simplified, the new Nvidia graphics card happy with the current display technology to make my moving poetry move.
I proactively called doctors and found out that my heart is fine after an echo test and my thyroid is fine as well, nodules benign and shrinking. Were the goitre issues a result of narcissist association, was the reduction a result of walking away? Nowadays I’m taking care of not really pleasant tasks without the needless delay associated with growing up in an over-fear of the future and extreme loneliness. I was lonely not because I was alone, but because I was abused by caretakers I trusted.
The assessment by the psychotherapist said I must have had PTSD but I don’t any more as my fear and loneliness are abating as my health is improving and I don’t fulfil any criteria.
I had an assessment by the physiotherapist today to find out I’m going home in a few weeks using my cane walking walking walking…
The final realization is that with the narcissist, I will never get closure, I get closure by walking away
