I Awoke Today

I awoke today with a sense of relief. Relief from guilt, shame, embarrassment, anxiety and depression, the usual suspects at Christmas time.

I took a trip on the internet yesterday seeking my estranged brother and ended up seeing what family I used to connect with. Typically, as narcissists, they either hadn’t recorded change for the 25 years they have been on Facebook, or they have totally reinvented themselves, many times over.

The brother I was curious about (I wonder if he’s dead yet?) is ex-military and seems to have isolated in a small town in Alberta approaching the age of 80, fat, diabetic, divorced and hating the aging process and everything I hold dear.

He’s basically a Nazi I grew up with who tormented and abused me as a child, I was forced though poverty to share a bed with him.

My sister, whom I suspect he incested, was still listed as a friend but all his children and other relatives were missing. She still listed herself as a sex-cult recruiter tantra something or other. Children who have been sexually abused often become over-interested in sex. Her daughter remarried and cloned her Mom still trying to gain acceptance that was never gonna happen. Her kids cloned her and so the dysfunction travels through the generations.

My sin was seeking professional family therapy and finding out why I sought out acceptance from dysfunctional people landing in relationships that went nowhere, usually at Christmas time or soon after.

For example when I told my minister at Scarboro United that I found help at the hospital, an evidence based therapist who understood me the minute I walked in: ‘Just tell yourself you are an orphan and move on’, I was shunned, calls no longer returned.

So yesterday I blocked my remaining so called family from my Facebook and from my life.

The only place I need to get unconditional acceptance from is myself. I thoroughly dislike some of my actions but never myself. I highly prefer to have done such and such differently but I don’t have to, it was the best I could do at the time given the situation. Hence the Relief from guilt, shame, embarrassment, anxiety and depression.