CHANCE

is defined by the dictionary when I searched online as: the occurrence of events in the absence of any obvious intention or cause. Along with that were a list of words: possibility, prospect, probability, odds, likelihood, likeliness, expectation, anticipation, conceivability, feasibility, plausibility, risk, threat, menace, hazard, danger, fear, peril, liability, hope, opportunity, promise.

My father, when I was 2 died of lung cancer, a chance occurrence.

I victim blamed him my entire life, seeking a cause for my loneliness and the emotional pain brutally handed out by my narcissistic personality disorder mother and siblings.

I listened to an ethics medical doctor who persuaded me that victims of disease are victims of chance.

I then realized that I have been seeing myself as responsible for (and therefore defective) for the diseases that I have had. The emotional consequences were listed in the definition ‘risk, threat, menace, hazard, danger, fear, peril, liability.’

Those words sum up my life.

They are the emotional consequences of self victim blaming.

Now I can let my father off the hook as I bring myself out of the doghouse.