Betrayal
What is the situation that you are upset about?
Answer:
I was betrayed by trusted persons in the past: childhood (abandonment by parent I didn’t trust them to not leave me in the woods at the church picnic or at the zoo on family outing, I saw them as helpless incompetent even as a 3–4 year old child, as this was the grooming of a narcissist parent, I must help Mom as she can’t do things for herself), my siblings ongoing jealousy and emotional abuse, authority figures such as teachers especially coaches who joined in the mobbing at school so as to not get bullied by students and risk their jobs through conservative parents complaints).
Continuing experiencing trauma though life such as my wife, a new law student, dumping me when I got busted for a joint that I was using to self medicate the anxiety that was a lifelong consequence of early childhood trauma, subsequent lovers such as art friends dumping me so as to not get bullied and ostracized as I’m not popular for speaking out publicly about the drug abuse by faculty and its consequences on the students at the art school (art’s shame secret), employers and contracts in Calgary dumping me so as to not get mob bullied by their community when I proclaimed that I’m a liberal
What are the unhealthy negative emotions that you are experiencing?
Answer:fearful of creating a self fulfilling prophecy then shame from diagnosing myself with inaccurate abusive names such as a love junkie for experiencing loss grief and loneliness
fearful of events happening again, I experienced the ‘did happen so will happen’ cognitive distortion
depression
anxiety
shame
embarrassment
hurt
guilt
What self-defeating behaviors would you like to change?
Answer:
withdrawal, avoiding social contact
procrastination
unassertiveness
overeating
work avoidance
in the past (30+years ago) substance abuse mostly pot and tobacco to deal with anxiety and low tolerance of frustration
What demand are you making about the situation?
Answer:
I must ‘‘do well‘’ and win the approval of others or else I am no good.
Other people must do ‘‘the right thing” or else they are no good and deserve to be punished.
Life must be easy, without discomfort or inconvenience.
Dispute:Why must I win the approval of people who betray me?
Is there any evidence that I’m no good?
Where is it written in stone that others must?
Is there any evidence that they are no good?
Does anyone deserve punishment?
Is there any evidence that I can’t stand the discomfort of having my illusions regarding other people destroyed?
Rational Belief:
There is no reason why I must have the approval of people I don’t respect. Or anyone ultimately. It’s convenient and nice to have but I don’t need it, like food or shelter or air.
I can and am always in the process of meeting nice friends. With practice I have become good at this by asking for what I want, stating what I prefer and building trust with honesty.
There is no evidence that I’m no good. A bad act (according to them) such as standing up to them and being assertive does not make me a bad person.
People aren’t all bad, often just fearful; disloyalty doesn’t deserve a prison sentence, just a re-evaluation of the relationship.
There is no evidence that I can’t stand being alone doing alone things that bring me (great) satisfaction and that can only be done alone. Like toe nail clipping.
Meeting new people is often exciting, fun and satisfying as a weekend entertainment.
What are your new healthy negative emotions?
Answer:
sadness
annoyance
disappointment
What are your new self-helping behaviors?
Answer:
talking to strangers (ice-breaking)
asking for what I want (assertiveness)
tackling unpleasant tasks without needless delay
exercising
eating healthily
In many ways the unconditional acceptance from others that I am demanding is insane and at the very least, childlike. Most others aren’t all that unconditionally accepting of anything really so they shouldn’t be that way, and it’s not written in stone that they should be that way. I highly prefer it but I don’t have to have it especially when other people are insane from not accepting themselves.
It’s a pain to get a new house, job, or relationship but it’s not a horror or awful. Sometimes these are the results of thriving! Those things are all temporary anyway, living conditions change, jobs end and people die. Dealing with this is a life skill, accepting the sadness and disappointment of it is as well. It’s part of accepting life unconditionally. So instead of being worried about getting unconditional acceptance, the work is giving unconditional acceptance. Always to myself first and foremost instead of trying to get it from others, after a trauma, which is insane, or from the universe which patently doesn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone, hence the traumas we all experience.
Fear of life ending, which it does every night when we sleep, sends people to religion and cults, thereby abusing themselves and others, for hostility always goes hand in hand with anxiety.
