Accept, Accept, Accept.
I’m sitting here in the coffee room of yet another recovery ward/hospital. I spoke to a new psychotherapist yesterday about anxiety and disturbing dreams after being thrown to the ground and landing in a long term recovery ward.
I’m thinking : she asked me what I want from this.
Initially I came to the conclusion: Freedom from free floating over-anxiety and disturbing dreams was my response. Anxiety about anxiety.
Freedom from constantly reliving the past experiences of narcissists using me then fucking off, accusing me of making them do it. ‘It’ being lying, cheating etc. all the usual suspects, as they transform from a clone of me to a clone of someone else. No personality to call their own. My over-reactions ( feelings of despair and loneliness ) based on my childhood abandonment transforming into others should do the right thing or they deserve punishment.
This has been going on, the dreams, and the daily subtle fears for years it occurs to me. Sometimes I have a nervous spasm of the stroke affected leg and arm, even unconsciously licking my lips repeatedly when stressed. The dentist’s aid thought I was chewing gum.
So, I have a constant fear of not doing well/not looking good or else I am a shit. Shit being defined as hunted and beaten like I was at school, I was terrorized. I was terrorized by my Mother’s extreme overreactions and emotional and physical unavailability. One family therapist said to just call myself an orphan, who raised himself in the library.
Ellis has trained me to ask: is there any evidence that I’m a shit? No, I answer, I don’t have secret mind powers that control others' shitty abusive personality distorted actions.
I’m not talking about the usual fallibilities of all humans, I’m talking about those who hunt others and then using charm, love and sex-bombing treat me like prey to be consumed and discarded, often for sport.
Ellis said another thing: Instead of focusing on how much love you are getting, focus on how much you are giving.
