Abuse Thrives In Secrecy.
“You’re so grateful for the small kindnesses they bestow in between periods of covert and overt abuse that you agree with their criticisms and devaluations.” — Shrink4Men — Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD.
Especially when the abuser has a charming public persona. All bullies are charming. A lot of my posts have been about dealing with the narcissists in my life current and past. This process has been a search for why did it happen, why does it keep happening and what do I do about the future. But mostly it has been about breaking the isolating secrecy contracts with past abusers. It’s such a relief to speak up.
Currently, I am using the post and video blog by Shrink4Men — Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD. for information and advice on the subject.
A lot of my good times with the creatures have simply been an absence of abuse, it seems to me. I console myself that I haven’t, even though irritable at times, I haven’t acted like them, which is the final stage of the abuse cycle, the Stockholm syndrome. Standing up to them, fighting back is characterized by them as abusive, but it’s simply not. I have learned to talk about myself, I have a right to express my emotions; they have a right to know what they are.
I have in times of transition been overly vulnerable to their charms. “Bullies, con artists, cults and other predators like easy targets. They go after people who are kind, generous, trusting, eager to please, conscientious, competent, talented or “gifted” and, most importantly, people who have a desire to cooperate and find compromise (Namie, 2003)” I have simply been conned convincingly. It’s OK to trust your lover. The creatures are really good liars. I mean they inevitably become constantly critical, blaming me for inadequacies in the undervaluing stage, then dump me and then the smear campaign. It can be devastating.
None of this is my fault or yours. They hunt for people like us, nurturing kind and compassionate. I like being who I am, a nice person who treats the people in my life nicely. Frank conversation and willingness to compromise. Couples that don’t do that become addicted to golf and have affairs according to Dr. David Burns. Does the abuse happen when I start asking for what I want to deepen the relationship in a healthy way? No, it’s an inevitable cycle with these people. I didn’t create it, I can’t control it. It’s true that they don’t have much to offer, so they criticize me for my asking, but they would have criticized me about something else.
Of course, I am told in the criticizing and dumping stages that if only I didn’t ask for what I want or invoke my right to express my emotions, knowing full well that you have a right to know what they are, they wouldn’t have to criticize and abuse me. It’s my fault for standing up for myself I am told. Fighting back is also out. Suicide is threatened, roommate situations are summarily ended or constantly under threat.
In the criticizing stage, it is a daily event, the walking on eggshells pins and needles, a dependency is created. If only I am quieter more caring and understanding, as if I could control the creature. But still, in a healthy relationship, compromise exists, but with these creatures, false hope is fostered and springs eternal. Inevitably though, nothing is ever good enough, mixed with the occasional kindnesses, truly crazy-making and tearing down of the personality is the result. “You’re so grateful for the small kindnesses they bestow in between periods of covert and overt abuse that you agree with their criticisms and devaluations.” —
Shrink4Men — Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD.
Then, it would seem you become like them, an abusive criticizer. This is a normal consequence of being abused it would seem. There have been times in my life when I hated every little thing anybody did, the result of emotional illness from being torn down constantly. The constant anxiety is the same, originates from the same source.
The 6 months I spent in hospital for a stroke was in many ways a holiday, a time to heal from the low self-evaluations that come with a lifetime of repeated abuse. Working with social workers and psychotherapists, as a support group to listen to me as I worked with the tools of Albert Ellis REBT. I am of value and worth simply because I exist. Getting this into my cranium with half my body paralyzed, the artist's hand-eye coordination similar to an Olympic athlete, lost forever.
I enjoy myself. My self is enjoyed by me. This is very different from the self-esteem that Ellis called the worse disease known to mankind. If you have self-esteem then you can lose self-esteem and end up in Shitsville, anxious and depressed. I may not be able to enjoy my satisfaction of painting fine art, but I can compromise and use a camera, enjoy the satisfaction of tolerating the frustration of learning new digital tools. I now make artist’s books and art prints instead of paintings. The practical problems are solved more easily when the emotional consequences associated with a must or a should are sorted out.
As I began to sort out the emotional side of my issues, the practical side began to fall in place. Ellis’s advice: when you lose an arm, do everything you can to deal with it, then ignore it, and focus on satisfaction. The purpose of life is satisfaction. You may not have as many choices, but you still have some.
