A Father’s Wisdom
Albert Ellis the father I never had.
You don't get upset because bad things happen; you get upset because you believe they shouldn't happen and it's awful when they happen.
When things are not to your liking, and you can't change them, you can tell yourself, “I wish they were different, but it's not the end of the world, and it won't kill me if I have to keep putting up with them.” Then try to learn from them, accept them as challenges, and see if there is some way you can use them in your life. If that doesn't work, do your best to ignore them and do something else you enjoy doing
What is the situation that you are upset about?
Answer: Spoke to 3 doctors, a PT, an OT and a RT about my injury and my heart echo test, my stroke affected foot, my progress in physical therapy and getting closer to going home with the tools I will need, access to transport to a day program, all in one day. Whew!
Then last night all those irrational fears learned at my mother’s knee came bubbling up, so I’m dealing with: It distorts reality. It is illogical. It prevents me from reaching my goals. It leads to unhealthy emotions. It leads to self-defeating behaviour.
What are the unhealthy negative emotions that you are experiencing?
Answer: anxiety and shame embarrassment hurt about being anxious
What self-defeating behaviors would you like to change?
Answer: avoiding the risk of talking to others especially medical with potential bad news...learned at my mother's knee
What demand are you making about the situation?
Answer: life must be convenient and easy or I can't stand it.
Dispute: this was learned. Learned at my mothers knee...why would I now accept beliefs that I know to be irrational?
Rational Belief: As a child I probably didn’t have much choice about which of her beliefs to accept. Later in life I learn more rational ones, like this from Ellis: You don't get upset because bad things happen; you get upset because you believe they shouldn't happen and it's awful when they happen. When things are not to your liking, and you can't change them, you can tell yourself, “I wish they were different, but it's not the end of the world, and it won't kill me if I have to keep putting up with them.” Then try to learn from them, accept them as challenges, and see if there is some way you can use them in your life. If that doesn't work, do your best to ignore them and do something else you enjoy doing.
In what way are you awfulizing about the situation?
Answer: It’s awful that bad things might happen again
Dispute: Am I going to die from this?
Rational Belief: Worrying about things often makes them seem worse than they really are. “The demand for a guarantee is a demand for anxiety.” — Dr. Michael Edelstein.
What are your new healthy negative emotions?
Answer: sadness that these things keep coming up, reasonable concern
What are your new self-helping behaviours?
Answer: Reading Ellis, continuing to talk to strangers and asking for what I want, tackling unpleasant tasks without needless delay, exercising and eating healthily. Ignoring or putting up with what I can’t change, trying to find what good I can make of this, like doing video production and editing along with e-book creation and publishing and fine art using digital tools. I use my unaffected non-dominate hand after a stroke that paralyzed half my body. No longer focusing on how much love I am getting but rather how much (self as well) love I am giving, by letting those fallible human beings out of the dog house, and excluding the abusive ones entirely.
